Paul and Barnabas: Taking Breaks and Sharing the Load

Have you ever had that person you were mentoring who, for one reason or another, just wouldn’t seem to launch? Maybe that person just wouldn’t take personal steps to mature. Perhaps he or she wouldn’t take responsibility for actions or decisions. Maybe that person didn’t have good follow through or couldn’t seem to own his or her actions. Maybe that person was too dependent on you for answers, not because you always gave the answers, but because he or she just couldn’t seem to take those steps to make decisions and move forward.

A young lady came into my life when she was 15 years old. She was intensely shy, well beyond normal ranges, to the point where she couldn’t even say her own name without freezing up. When she was given instructions, she would look down and not move. She wasn’t trying to be difficult or rude and not one iota of rebellion oozed out of her; she was simply terrified. I have no idea how she got to this point in her life, but the fact remained that she did.

For the sake of protecting her privacy, let’s call this girl, “Rachel.”

Rachel joined a girls’ ministry that I was leading. She was bound and determined to earn the highest award in this ministry in 3 short years. This is an award that most girls begin working towards at the age of 5. Starting it at 12 is difficult. Beginning at 15, however, well, “Wow!” So, I worked closely with her. Rachel was in need of something in her life that she could look back on and say, “I did that.”

Rachel is a music lover. She expressed interest in singing with the worship team and in the choir that I led at our church, so I encouraged her to join. She struggled severely with her awkward shyness, and she felt this would be a way to help push her past that.

Over time, however, I noticed just how dependent on me Rachel was becoming. Even though I would stand back and push her to make decisions and accomplish difficult tasks, she would still look to me for assurance, even if it was just to make sure that I was there. She constantly sent me repeated text messages, expecting me to respond immediately. She was jealous of the time that I spent with my daughter and tried to find more ways to spend time with me. This went beyond her teenage years and well into adulthood.

Despite all of this, Rachel was making incredible progress in her journey. She had a heart of gold, a tenderness when working with children, and was a natural prayer warrior. She had achieved that award and was, deservedly, proud of herself for having done so. She had even begun writing songs and we were able to share one with the church.

But she had an unhealthy attachment to me. I would talk about this with her, trying to teach her new skills, and she would agree to work on them. No matter what, Rachel would fall back into her unhealthy dependence on me. I knew I had to take a break from her in order for her to grow, but I didn’t want to break her heart or her spirit. Circumstances occurred in my life that allowed this break to happen, and a tough conversation was had.

I held out hope, though, that one day we could come back together. It was the example of Paul and John Mark that gave me the encouragement I needed.

Like Rachel, John Mark had grown up in a home of Christ-followers and was surrounded by believers (Acts 12:12). Like Rachel, John Mark had a heart for Christ and wanted others to come to know him. Paul must have seen this in him, as John Mark was invited to accompany Paul and Barnabas on their first missionary journey (Acts 13:5). Like Rachel, John Mark had some struggles in his life and failed to follow-through responsibly and in a healthy way. He actually deserted Paul and Barnabas during that first journey, leaving them “hanging” with work that he, John Mark, should have been doing (Acts 15:38).

Can you imagine being Paul and Barnabas at that point? It would have been like have just the right people for a church plant or a gospel outreach with all the work divided out and then, “Bam!” Two people now must do the planned work of three! Whether it was a falling out over a disagreement, or he was full of discouragement over a less than fruitful visit to Cyprus (Acts 13:4-12), or John Mark decided he just could not handle the task, the point is, he left. And his leaving must have hurt Paul and his cousin Barnabas (Colossians 4:10). It would have severed bonds of trust that had been built up.

Barnabas, obviously, was able to work through his hurt in a different manner than Paul. In Acts 15:36-49, Paul suggested that he and Barnabas go back to visit the cities with whom they had met in their first missionary journey. Barnabas was insistent that John Mark be able to accompany them, but Paul ended up in a sharp disagreement with Barnabas which resulted in Paul and Barnabas splitting the visit. Barnabas took John Mark with him, Paul took Silas.

But wait! That’s not the end of the story!

In Philemon 1:24, Paul actually refers to John Mark as a “fellow worker” and in 2 Timothy 4:11, Paul, at the end of his life and in a Roman prison, sends for John Mark, “because he is helpful to me in my ministry” (NIV). John Mark, most likely under the tutelage of Barnabas, had matured and Paul had welcomed him back.

Sometimes we are not the right person to mentor someone. Sometimes we are the right person for a time, but then we need to take a break, allowing others to step in. Sometimes we are granted the magnificent opportunity to reunite and serve, at a higher and better capacity, alongside someone from whom we need to break.

This is what happened with my friend, Rachel, and I. God, in the past couple years, has given us a chance to serve together once again. We are now working side by side mentoring young girls in the same ministry that we first met. God has grown and stretched her to the point where she expressed to me that, even though it really hurt, she is grateful that I parted company with her for a while; she sees that it was necessary and healthy. Now God has placed me squarely back in her life in a much healthier relationship, one where she comes to me with questions and we can have wonderful conversations, but she makes her decisions looking at God, not me.

It's okay to take a break from mentoring someone. Maybe that break is what that person needs to learn to stand without depending on you. Maybe that person needs someone else to step in for a while. Taking a break does not mean you have failed. Taking a break means that you recognize that not only do our mentees have different needs, but that there are many mentors out there who can meet those different needs in different ways. In taking a break from Rachel, I did not leave her alone. I found others to share the load just as Paul and Barnabas did. We must be willing to recognize and act on what God is calling us to do with our mentees, even if it means stepping away so that God can bring others alongside.